MY DAILY ROUTINE

We all know that the ideal daily routine can’t start without proper preparation the night before. It’s a lot of work in the beginning, but if you think ahead and get into the habit of prepping yourself, it will get easier every day and become habitual. My main man Aristotle says excellence is a habit, not an act, FYI.

I go out salsa dancing regularly, so we’ll begin on such an evening, where the preparation will really shine through:

8PM: Decide to skip dinner. Don’t want to look bloated for night of dancing ahead. Wear crop top and high waisted jeans. Continually pull up jeans over belly button all evening, promise yourself that this will be the week you get a $20 of jeans tailored. Try not to urinate. Replacing jeans to aforementioned height may prove to be difficult.

Note: Difficulty of task resembles that of a parabolic shape, beginning and end are both equally difficult, but we see a sweet spot in the 2-4 tequila range. Which is true for most activities.

9PM-12AM: Dance your ass off. Fend off a couple lurkers. Definitely get hair pulled a bit by accident. Steal a cup from the bar and drink water out of the tap because you’re a New Yorker now and you can. Leave glass in bathroom. Feel comfortable returning to bathroom to re-hydrate. Who would drink out of your lipstick-laden glass? Ooh, fix lipstick.

12AM: Find a way home. The subway might be the best bet. The last time someone gave you a ride home he stroked your thigh and said he wanted to do a “special” photoshoot on his cell phone. On the other hand, it wasn’t too long ago another man tried to get you to go to a party in the opposite direction the train was going in, while you happened to be crying because boys are mean and life is hard.

Note: Crying in public? Not as big of a deterrent as one would imagine.

1 AM: Ahhhh, time to shower. Everyone knows you’re supposed to shower in lukewarm water. It’s better for your skin. But they might not be covered in geriatric sweat and Axe Body Spray, so make sure you give the H knob one extra turn.

1:03: Shower quickly, there’s no way you're washing the other people sweat out of your hair tonight. Just wrap that puppy up in a top knot (also highly recommended by hair professionals) and thank the gods you change your pillowcase every day. Commence supplement routine. Set internal intuitive alarm clock. Faceplant.

7:30 AM: Wake up when boyfriend starts to leave for work like a real adult human. Think about getting up. Get up to pee…again. Decide to not.

9:30 AM: Wake up! Know that you’re awake but keep telling yourself that you’re not and then continue to roll from side to side until you understand that you’re alive and awake and not dreaming anymore. Wish coffee was made. Meditate for a little while. Fantasize about being a famous actress with a photographic memory. Check Instagram and Facebook while you're still lying in bed. That's different than when you do it sitting up at the table with coffee and a laptop. Commence headache. Get up.

10:15 AM: It’s COFFEE TIME. TIME FOR COFFEE. So excited so excited so excited. Walk to kitchen naked, harrumph loudly EVERY MORNING because the guy who works at the health food store downstairs is always practicing his ninja moves out in the back of the building first thing in the morning and is always creeping in the window. Tell yourself that you’ll finally get a curtain this week. Hastily tie silk sarong while the lucky bastard pretends not to look.

10:16 AM: Boil water while scraping creepy white gunk off tongue and brushing teeth because you’re efficient like that. Glug separate quart of water because you like to pee constantly all morning whilst consuming diuretics. And as mentioned earlier, hydration is key.

10:20 AM: Teeth brushed, coffee made, happy girl. Now, time to check in online. What’s happening world? What kind of fun Bernie Sanders/ Kim K memes can I look at this morning?

10:25 AM: Not even through ⅓ of your coffee when it’s time. It’s time, folks. That glorious first-thing- in-the-morning-just-started-to-drink-coffee-so-glad-you-take-poop-shakes- (see article, “shit shake” recipe)-you're-ecstatic-to-be-alive-morning-poop. This is the way to live.

10:30-12:30: Sip on coffee, keep telling yourself it’s gym time in 5 minutes. Spend at least an hour on the skincare addiction reddit. Feel bad about your sun protection history. Continue lurking and exclaiming over the all the dense information. Feel overwhelmed, get eye ache.

12:30. Finally put on gym clothes. Put on pushup bra under sports bra, and rub some foundation over your face. Yes, you are this person. YES YOU'RE GOING TO BE HONEST ABOUT IT. #IWOKEUPLIKEDIS #NOMAKEUP #NOFILTER

1 PM: Stop to get a protein bar, ignore man on streets remark as you put an object in your mouth in public.

1:15 PM. Finally warmed up and in squat rack. Let’s do this.

1:17 PM. Man does handstand on squat rack next door. Takes a selfie holding up a million pound dumbbell. #gainz. He is a douche. But you're not. You only take selfies at the gym when you're sweating. That’s how you know you're likable. Because you're a real woman. Who sweats. Through her makeup.

2:08 PM. Begin walking home understanding that you have to eat. NOW. FOOD MUST BE NOW. IN ORDER TO PUT ON MUSCLE NEED PROTEIN NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

2:45. Redo foundation. Maybe think about eyebrows. Definitely some tinted chapstick. Now we’re talking.

3 PM. CAFFEINEEE ROUNDDDD DOSSS PLEASEEEEE!

3:01-9 Commence work like things. Teach, nanny depending on the day, start writing a new song? Practice instrument maybe? I TOTALLY HAVE A SUCCESSFUL CAREER THAT I’M PROUD OF. #ADULTLIFE

9PM. Maybe today is the day you should try intermittent fasting? You’re only supposed to eat from

12 PM to 8 PM. It’s better for your metabolism and your circadian rhythms and hell, you're still full from lunch!

10 PM. Well that wore off. Ice cream sounds amazing.

10:30. Ok you're having ice cream. But you have to eat a real healthy meal first. Commence stir fry.

11:30 Nice and full from dinner. You don’t even want sweets!

Midnight: Make puppy dog eyes at boyfriend. “Baby…. Will you please please go get me stuff to bake cookies? I have to. I just need them. And I worked out today...sooo…”

12:15 Cookies in oven. Yes, you are an amazingly efficient baker. You have several recipes memorized so that you can whip up a batch of cookies in under 5 minutes. It might actually be a curse instead of a skill. Put half of the dough in the oven. Save half to tide over the nom machine that is currently your face. Make spoonfuls for boyfriend. Spoon feed him. Make a couple good bites for him and save a few for yourself. That's fair. And no one wants cookie dough guilt. Put hot cookies in freezer while getting ready for bed. Impatiently tap toe while washing face and beginning excruciatingly long skin care routine (thanks reddit.).

12:45 Nom the fuck down. Ice cream sandwiches are AMAZING. I LOVE SUGAR. DAIRY AND SUGAR ARE AMAZING I WANT TO EAT THEM EVERY DAY THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO GOOD AND NEVER MAKE ME BREAK OUT OR FEEL BLOATED OR CONSTIPATED THEY JUST MAKE ME HAPPY AND FULL OF FAIRY DUST IN MY INSIDES OH GOD THIS IS SO GOOD.

1 AM. Choke down poop shake. Because you’re dedicated and you ain’t fooling no one with that diary.

1:15. Dismount into bed. Fall asleep on stomach even though you know back sleeping is better for you. Initiate beauty rest. Dream of hitting 1000 Instagram followers and morning coffee.