BASIC BITCH BUTTERMILK PANCAKES

Aloha all you lululemon wearing yogastagramming green shake lovers out there! I love mason jars full of superfoods as much as the next girl, but sometimes you need to treat yoself. Your cheat day is today but since you got wine drunk last night you gotta hit that punishment while still being aesthetically pleasing enough to post under #cheatday. Here’s a great way to end the first paragraph with a pun, have your (pan) cake and eat it too:

-I cup homemade buttermilk alternative, made by grinding up wishbones of rescued foie gras ducks. 1-1 ratio bones to water. You’ll need a strong blender (If you don’t have a vitamix you should probably kill yourself).

-One organic banana ripened by the sun picked by a young child who loves his mother and his country dearly, eco sustainably packaged by illegal immigrant stowaways who were voting for Trump but then decided to package fruit instead.

-¼ tsp leavening aka yeastie aka not what’s going on with you lately but close.

-Think about adding butter and go to the mirror and look yourself and stand in mountain pose while you say softly, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” And return to the kitchen, humbled and ready to keep calm and carry on. Measure out one quarter of ¼ tsp healthy organic grass fed coconut oil chock full of omegas. Fold in gently while you sing lyrics to Beyonce’s Lemonade.

-Take one stick of true ceylon cinnamon and briefly brush it into a hefty scoop of GP’s raw, sprouted and biofermented fotifying intelligent plant protein and wish you were smart enough to have created her Moon Pantry Brain Dust (copyright Gweneth Paltrizzle). Whip into your batter delicately while working the small muscles in your arm around the larger muscles so you don’t get unsightly bulky man muscles. Do 4 thousand repetitions.

-Take out your dropper of ultra lingan flax oil and drop 5 minscule drops into a cast iron griddle in the shape of a downward smiley face to signify you before you learned that being thin and rich can make you happy.

Cry delicately on both sides.

How to modify if you’re:

If you’re on the candida diet: Fry eggs into the shape of pancakes and then kill yourself.

If you’re on the high carb low fat diet...Eat 30 bananas and then kill yourself.

Not on a diet… Lay down and think about pancakes and breathe in and breath out and make sure you drink a lot of water and then kill yourself.