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I know you’re sick of hearing about it. It’s true, kale has become as fashionable as mustache wax and student loan debt. But that said, shut up and drink it. We all know it’s still good for you and it’s better than carbo loading first thing in the morning with your coffee and it’s certainly better than the pizza you had last night. Think of it like making your bed, if you put some veggies in your body first thing in the morning, even if you fail at life for the rest of the day, you still will have done something really good for your health regardless.

You don’t have to have a ton of fancy ingredients and you absolutely don’t have to have special tools. And even if you don’t have access to a bomb garden like mine, getting some greens from the store will still be good for you. It doesn’t have to be kale, I know, I get it, you hate kale, it’s so bitter. Try spinach or chard or nothing else because nothing else will work and if you were man enough you’d just drink the damn kale because it’s filled with the most good shit.

This recipe is customizable. Because I’m not a dick, and we can’t all be spending $100 on smoothie ingredients per week:

1 cup liquid: I like cashew milk. You could use water or green tea too. Or you could make your own almond milk because apparently that’s ideal and I don’t really have the tools or knowhow to do it but you could google it if you really wanted to be a pretentious know it all.

1 cup kale leaves: (just do it). Rip em off the stem and tear them up so your little blender can handle it. If you have a Vitamix, stop reading, as you’ve clearly arrived and do not need my help.

½ cup frozen berry mix: To add a little sweetness and texture and more antioxidants. I keep hearing people say antioxidants. MAKE MY SKIN GOOD PLEASE, BERRIES.

1-2 TBSP healthy fat: To be honest, I probably use 3 TBSP of coconut or hemp oil, but that’s probably too much fat for most people that are cowards. You could also throw in ½ an avocado or some other sort of omega riddled product.

You’re not getting enough protein: Add a scoop of whatever protein you can afford, or if you’re like me, and think that most of the affordable ones are gross, take an organic egg, wash the outside and crack it and throw it in. Pretend you’re Rocky.

*Make sure you wash the egg and that it’s organic, salmonella is so 70’s.

3 TBSP Fresh Herbs I like basil and mint personally, maybe a little parsley if I want to feel like a good person. I like to feel like my morning smoothie has the POTENTIAL to be a cocktail, even though it’s cocktail of health to get me through my life right now. In case you didn’t know, cilantro and parsley are supposed to be best for detox. But I’m not hungover right now, so there.

Blend the kale and whatever liquid you chose for what seems like an hour but is probably 60 seconds. Unless you have a Vitamix, but seriously dude, if you do, stop reading. Your chef can probably take care of this for you.

Throw everything else in, blend till it’s mostly palatable. If you’re like me, you’ll always have a couple stray frozen berries in the middle that you can avoid choking on. Life is an adventure, people.

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