top of page


Photo Credit Peter Michalakis

Pictured: Salad, Moomoo I wear after the gym

Not pictured: My face, due to giant zit coming in.

Why are you pouting? Salad doesn’t have to be a drag. In fact, it can even be decadent. This salad recipe is halfway between healthy and not, and on your average Monday night when you’re not the least bit hungover anymore and you definitely had your green smoothie in the morning- there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

First steps. Use the leftovers in your fridge. For a multitude of reasons, the top three being:

  1. You’re poor.

  2. You need more protein than the box of chicken cutlets you bought has in it, brah.

  3. Bacon.

Start by frying the bacon in your cast iron skillet. Don’t have one? Or it’s not seasoned properly? Go die (just kidding, again, just use what you have. Cook it on the sidewalk for all I care #Brooklyn).

Then fry up some store bought chicken cutlets, because YOLO.

Now Andrew Dice Clay some:

Baby sweet peppers because those are the best (about 8-10 little guys)

Red onion (¼ diced finely)

Hothouse cucumber (I use half but you could be insane and use all of it)

Make sure you take a picture of the brightly colored veggies organized according to color for social media. Don’t leave the nasty old salad greens you had to pick through (because buying salad is the worst) on the counter like I did. And no I don’t have an expensive camera, or proper lighting for food pictures. Because life in New York is DARK AND EXPENSIVE. THIS IS REAL LIFE, PEOPLE.

To make the dressing mix the following in the bottom of a large salad bowl from the dollar store:

Juice of 1 Lemon

3 TBSP Olive Oil

Black Pepper (Boyfriend’s Grandma bought us a comically large pepper grinder, which was great and so thoughtful, but every time someone comes over they either grab it and use it to mime something phallic, or they keep asking if I want freshly ground pepper on my entree).

1 Tsp Honey

4 TBSP Pesto

Stir until it turns into a delicious green sludge. Leftover pesto has such a beautiful...brown, quality.

Add in your greens and veggies into the dressing and toss that salad like you are in prison and your life depends on it.

Cut up the chicken cutlets into toddler size bites. Add those to the mix.

Throw in a little leftover quinoa that you couldn't finish at lunch because you ate two cans of tuna like the boss bitch that you are.

Try not to burn yourself while you crumble the hot bacon on top. Be more successful than I was.

Then take the few leftover meatballs and one piece of broccoli out of the fridge, and cut them into little pieces. Add to the bowl and mix. Top with a little it of parmesan or whatever decorative cheesy things you can find nearby. Whoever finds the broccoli WINS!

bottom of page