BIGGER BOOBS: A HOW-TO GUIDE
Is this a how-to guide on how to deal with a larger cup size? No. Because unfortunately for me, I was not blessed with that problem (yes I know it's a lot harder than it seems and plenty of women hate it. I was always sad to be a part of the itty bitty titty committee, especially considering the amount of junk in my trunk. #partiallyplus.) This is a how to guide on not giving a fuck.
Photo Petr Michalakis
My STEP BY STEP GUIDE of HOW TO GROW BIGGER BREASTS:
I have your attention now, don't I?
1. Grow up fat. Hate your body. Be bullied. See all the skinny girls get the guys. Decide to make some changes.
2. After puberty, do research on how to lose weight. Begin crash diets.
3. Yoyo between a loss of 50 and 70 lbs since your largest weight. Lose the last 30 lbs in a month while allowing yourself a salad a day and tons of laxatives.
4. TADA, YOU NOW HAVE NO BREASTS AND NO BUTT. AND NO BODY FAT! Just LIKE THE SKINNY GIRLS!
5. Continue to date men who tell you you're almost there. Just a few more pounds.
6. Sneak into the fridge and binge eat from time to time.
7. Be riddled with guilt. Rinse and repeat for many, many years.
8. Move to New York. Receive male attention despite being fatter at this point. Place self esteem in the hands of men. Decide that you are a pretty person.
9. Position all health emphasis on working out now. Learn to teach spin classes, try to work out 2 hours a day. Now the goal is not to be skinny, it's to be ripped. Give up carbs.
10. Make sure you do a monthly juice fast. Don't eat anything at all for days at a time, sometimes ten. BE PURE. Do enemas. CLEANSE YOUR LIVER. NEVER DRINK ALCOHOL.
11. Binge drink alcohol.
12. Decide the problem is not carbs, it's fat. Begin a high carb, low fat, vegetarian diet.
13. Eat 5 turkey burgers in one sitting.
14. Do the Tracey Anderson workout. Explore your smaller muscle groups. FEAR BULK. Embrace hundreds of repetitions per day and explain to the old man who hits on you at work that your ass isn't getting smaller, it's getting TIGHTER.
15. Eat the 1/2 sweet potato that you're allowed for dinner after a particularly long day at work. Eat it cold out of your bag with nothing on it.
16. Steal your roommates bread and cry at your failure in bed.
17. Decide you want to start weight lifting.
18. Go to the weight room. See the number of men on the machines.
19. Leave the weight room.
20. Go back again a couple years later. Try to use a few of the machines. Feel too unattractive and intimidated to do anything else.
21. Eventually start in a small gym where you can actually learn how to squat properly. Overtrain regularly. Be hungry. Be ravenous. Be vegan.
22. Get a Macro counting app. Tell yourself that it's all about the calories now. You can have McDonald's as long as you have enough calories for the day.
23. Start to eat tomorrow's calories at midnight. Eat chicken nuggets with two sauces that you paid extra for.
24. Spend more time in a giant metropolis. Decide alcohol will be your fun stress release. Let the weight continue to creep on. Feel defeated about this often. Work double shifts in fancy restaurants and try to diet. Fail.
25. Continue lifting weights. Decide you want an even bigger butt but that you still want everything else to get smaller. Tell yourself this is possible. Go back on the low carb diet.
26. Buy the 4 hour body supplements. Ignore his wine suggestions. Continue to re-read the book for motivation. When you have to continually remind yourself that your diet is excellent and cult worthy; that's how you know you're on the right track.
27. Become a plus size model. Start to practice more self love. Learn about body positive people. Start to embrace your physique. Be told that you're too small to be a plus size model after being tormented for being too fat your whole life. Enjoy your first criticism online for being too small to be body positive.
28. Decide you're not going to try to be smaller right now. Eat till you're full (maybe too full) and continue to lift heavy weights. Order Chinese too often. Decide that if you put on 10 pounds you'll be fine and you'll maybe get more modeling jobs.
29. Blink your eyes and put on 20. Try to keep a straight face at the doctor when they tell you you're 200 pounds. Hope that it's mostly muscle from the weight lifting. Decide that it's not the end of the world. Feel somewhat uncomfortable but try to practice the self love that you preach online.
30. Have a plus size bra company reach out to you to collaborate. Tell them that you're a B cup and they only carry C's. Decide to try a C anyway. For the first time in your life fit into a 36 C. Measure yourself, and while your cup size is finally larger your waist is too. Feel happy but also depressed because with the larger breasts came a larger stomach.
Decide to embrace all of this. Decide that life is too short to hate on your body all the time. Fail at this regularly. Cry often. Continue to cook for yourself. Persevere with many vegetables and lots of water. Eat mostly healthy things and a variety of very unhealthy things. Drink with friends more than you should. Sleep more than many do. Go to the gym as often as you can stomach it. Stretch your muscles. Watch a comedy on the elliptical. Try to not be a jealous person. Laugh at yourself. Read a book. Go out dancing. Move on with your life.
Bra: Curvy Couture Intimates
Kimono: Shop Pink Blush
