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Five Words:


I've been seeing this everywhere, and I expected it in many circles, but not the body positive community! Girls are talking about learning to love their skin and "imperfections" while PHOTOSHOPPING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF THEIR PHOTOGRAPHS....GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE.

I have no problem with you doing whatever you want to do with your body and your photos. That's your choice (although you might want to consider meeting people in dark spaces after some of these "transformations")! But when you're posting pictures to online support groups saying, "You can do it, I love and accept myself now! My only makeup is sweat and hard work," while cinching in your waist, smoothing your skin and LITERALLY MANIPULATING YOUR FACIAL FEATURES MORE THAN MICHAEL JACKSON'S PLASTIC SURGEONS, YES PLURAL, MULTIPLE SURGEONS; then I think we've got a problem.

I've had to have conversations with several photographers about retouching. Maybe they want me to look more "modelesque" or perhaps they're used to models asking for more, but I've had to tell people so many times: DO NOT RETOUCH MY SKIN. DO NOT TUCK MY STOMACH. The ENTIRE reason I got into modeling (other than to validate all of my own insecurities [lol, so far no luck, can you have a double parentheses?] and to make up for being bullied about being fat, of course) was to inspire women and men to embrace things about themselves that they've hated for their whole lives because of societal bullshit.

So ladies and gents, I know you all know this on some level, but here's another reminder: IF A PICTURE LOOKS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE IT FUCKING IS. Don't beat yourself up because you don't look like some asshole on Instagram and Facebook (that used to be a slight reprieve from the media, but no longer) . In fact, don't beat yourself up at all. Focus on being healthy and do and wear things that make you feel good: Wear cool makeup. Wear NO MAKEUP! Go to the gym in bright colors so everyone can see your sweat and cellulite. Ask someone out in your pajamas. LIVE YOUR LIFE in that fucking bikini or tiny trunks at the beach. Fuck everything else, and SCREW ANYONE WITH A PROBLEM WITH THAT. LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO PURSUE LOOKING LIKE SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT EXIST IN REAL LIFE.

There's an app called "Facetune" that you can download for free that will smooth your skin, change your features, and even allow you to contour your now diminished jawline with "makeup." Let's take a look, shall we?

Here's what the app looked like when I turned it on. Evidently I started this post a while back and had left these settings on it! How do I look with bigger eyes and a bigger nose? It said my lips are "taller." I'm not sure what that means.

This is my somber, make up free face in the morning, waiting for the coffee to kick in. As you can tell I'm breaking out again. Let's see what we can do about that!


Every time a model posts a "no makeup" selfie that's been obviously "enhanced," another child viewer grows up thinking they're ugly. That's not the end of the world, as growing up "unattractive" can make you develop crucial things like intelligence and wit; but it can lead to lots of problems for many of us as well.

In this one, I decided to go more "Jackson-esque." Did the face smoothing and GLOWING (#glowup!) but also "minimized" my nose and enlarged my eyes. VERY natural, right?

Moving forward: let's look at the body options, shall we? This clever little app not only allows my face to look like a pore-less, skinny cherub; but it transforms my body into Thicc Barbie too! I love how the app not only acts as the most powerful corset in history, but it also makes me look like I'm so sexy I'm actually causing the street to implode into itself like a dying star. Or that part in Ghostbusters. Who ya gonna call?

This little number is astutely saved as "Norm Butt" in my computer, lest I get it confused with the next one:

This one is titled "buttplay," because I'm too lazy to type separate words, and I always maturely favor jokes that involve Anal sex. Notice how the straight horizontal lines are bending in the gravitational pull of my enormous hindquarters. You know you've seen this on Instagram (if you've stooped so low in your life as I have). And you know that these women probably have at least a hundred thousand (or maybe 50,000 fake robots), impressionable followers who have decided that this is the new goal.

The moral of this story is: Be your own #bodygoals. And don't pay attention to anyone else who makes you feel bad about your body. Because more than likely, WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT ISN'T REAL ANYWAY.


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