POP QUIZ: I know with all of the recent drama between Jameela Jamil and the Kardashians, you've only been thinking one thing: Where do I fit in to this equation? Do I regularly squeeze into sausage casing (spanks) or do I prefer a classic pant suit? Is my accent more valley-girl or tally-ho? Should I sport a long black weave or actual hair with bangs? GOD, THE PRESSURE.
Well you're in luck, folks. With my influencer expertise, distaste for laxatives, and addiction to contouring, I've calculated the perfect test to finally answer the now age old question: Who am I? (Jameela or Kim). Let's get started:
1. What type of hair do you resonate with?
A. Natural. Dark. With Bangs.
B. Either a black bob or a black weave that goes to my ankles, definitely not anything from 2007 (that's hot).
C. Blonde, unclear if it's real or fake. Likely a hybrid.
D. Brown, sort of blonde; constantly greasy.
2. What's most important to me?
B. The names of cities. Cardinal directions.
C. Americans. When they're behaving themselves.
D. My family, boyfriend, and my art (Instagram).
3. I like to pair a classic red lip with:
A. Something classy AF.
B. Red Nails.
C. Getting skinnier= Success.
D. An Instagram Live? A Tuesday? Anytime?
4. What's your favorite dessert?
A. Patriarchal Manblood.
B. I don't eat carbs.
C. I don't eat carbs, anymore.
D. Is tequila dessert?
5. If you had a super power what would it be?
A. A consent educator gun.
B. Making America great again with hubs.
C. Giant net that catches pro ball players.
D. Idk...being able to fast forward in time...through this quiz?
6. The proper way to take a selfie is:
A. With my stretch marks.
B. I have to have my helper take them because I have carpal tunnel (true story).
C. Who doesn't love a good filter?
D. Showcasing my double chin and one yellow tooth that my brother broke.
7. Appetite suppressants belong in...
B. Lolipops, hehe.
C. Photoshopped into my mirror facing the right way.
D. Why would I want to SUPPRESS what's turning into MAH BOOTAY.
8. Which quote is the closest to something you'd yell out, drunk at 3AM?
A. "This is how women are taught to value themselves. In Kilograms." [of vodka]
B."I'll cry at the end of the day. Not with fresh makeup."
C. "The bigger the hoop, the bigger the ho."
D. "Yes, I just ate a cold hot dog out of the fridge."
Mostly A's: You're definitely a Jameela. You're fighting the patriarchy like it's 2019 and people are grabbin' em' by the p*$sy. You also write awesome tweets holding millionaires who don't need endorsement money accountable for their actions like this:
Mostly B's: You're a Kim Kardashian! Your hair and your booty is likely fake but your beauty is undeniable. Having more money is what's most important to you even if that means thousands MORE teenage girls poop their pants on your watch.
Mostly C's: PSYCHE: YOU'RE A KHLOE!
You're the funny, smart, favorite sister who also happens to promote diarrhea for millions on social media. You used to be the "heavy sister" but now you're a success (thin) who also relished the opportunity to name your daughter a random adjective. Your overpriced athletic line caters to women of all sizes while you photoshop thigh gaps onto your selfies.
Mostly D's: OH NO! YOU'RE ME!
You're an Instagrammer with forever greasy hair problems and a big ol' squat booty that loves to eat, inspire people to love their bodies, and make fun of yourself on your blog. And yes, you've fallen asleep with a cold hot dog in your mouth, though to be fair, it was after a 16 hour shift.
P.S Someone please follow me on Twitter.